


stargazer

by flowerpowerpixie



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Betrayal, Brain Damage, Canon-Typical Violence, Enemies, F/M, Falling In Love, Forbidden Love, Friends to Lovers, I Tried, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Reiner Braun, References to Depression, Reiner Braun Needs a Hug, Soft Reiner Braun, Spoilers, Suicidal Thoughts, Young Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-17 23:29:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29724888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowerpowerpixie/pseuds/flowerpowerpixie
Summary: sins and ghosts of reiner's past always came to haunt him in his dreams. until one of them steps into his life once again, in desperate need of answers.in which you and reiner reminiscence about the long gone tranquil days seas apart, before fate's strings tangle the two of you together once again.ALSO THE TITLE WILL MAKE SENSE I STG!!!
Relationships: Connie Springer & Reader, Jean Kirstein & Reader, Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss/Ymir, Reiner Braun/Reader, Sasha Blouse & Reader
Comments: 10
Kudos: 39





	1. reminiscence

**Author's Note:**

> hi!!! <3 thank you so much for taking your time to read this. just a disclaimer, the reader goes by she/her pronouns however birth sex is never mentioned!! 
> 
> also, TW (some for later chapters): violence, suicidal thoughts, pretty bad injury tbh

reiner laid atop the messy bed - sheets long gone, alcohol stains seeped into the old worn mattress, a single thin white blanket not washed in god knows how long. his hand rested on the loaded shotgun leaned on the side of the bed. the rest of the room wasn't much better. several bottles of cheap beer scattered throughout the floor along with flicked cigarette butts and ashes. it was a miracle the barracks hadn't been burnt down by his carelessness.

porco, pieck and even zeke have been worrying about the man. it wasn't unusual for soldiers - especially the ones of his sort. it wasn't a secret that warriors were just children made soldiers by all means necessary. brainwashing, training that would push anyone past their limits, and that's not even speaking of the constant pressure put on their shoulders. it didn't come as a surprise that after years of enduring it just to bring his family together he could barely remember his name anymore.

even though not many years passed, the rapid aging of a titan shifter was increasingly more obvious. he was no longer the strong, muscular cadet everyone looked up to. he was thinner with an awful fatigued look to his face that he didn't have the energy to trim. the brave stocky boy who joined the cadet corps that day was replaced by a husk with a face adorned with dark circles and a flushed nose from all the alcohol.

cadet corps.

the mission was simple, the people on the island were devils after all. the only companions he had as the mission was initiated were annie and bertolt - the other, he'd rather not think about. they were skilled, and the superiors relied on them so it couldn't hurt to stick by them, right? not that he had a choice. looking back on it all it hurt as much as if he was there once more.

the memories on their own weren't painful to him - it was rather the slowly creeping realisation that he wasn't a hero. no, just a kid that didn't know better moulded into a weapon. in fact, the days he spent there during the training were the best of his life. the more he talked to everyone, made friends, laughed and adored the nature on paradis island, the more he forgot about their core mission - their sole purpose.

letting his mind wander, he remembered the day he first saw you. 

"where do you come from, maggot?" reiner heard the drill instructor, keith shout at a girl a row across from him. he loomed over her, eyes wide as he tried to intimidate the frail girl. "i am from shiganshina, sir!" right hand over your heart, left on your lower back. he nodded. "and what is a runt like you doing here? trying to seal your fate as titan bait?" he spoke in a low voice as the girl - you - shut her eyes tight and continued with a booming voice "i want to join the survey corps, sir! i will not stay inside these walls forever, and watch the monsters take more lives!" keith glared at her with the scariest look any of the recruits had ever seen as he nodded and moved on to the next person. 

if only he watched some other recruit that day. maybe everything would've been alright. 

the next few months of training reiner couldn't help but notice her even when he didn't mean to. he watched from across the mess hall as her eyes lit up when sasha had brought the two of you extra food. he listened to her laugh as she and connie managed to ruin yet another eren's shirt, or the way she would smile at toddlers admiring her uniform, how one day between training she and krista braided flowers into ymir's hair, and all the little everyday things that one could only treasure if they paid attention. 

the most important day in his memory was during ODM training, though. 

thick mist laid low across the forest bed making it even harder to see the wooden titan cutouts, and jumping up the branches seemed just as dangerous as you could never really tell if someone would bump into you. through the soft thuds of rain droplets on the moss floor, reiner heard the signature whirl of ODM gear's hooks. then a strange click and the sound of branches falling down. hauling himself up to investigate, he knew what happened. the girl he saw earlier had underestimated the distance of a tree, and fired her anchor way too close. it didn't dig deep enough and soon freed itself from the tree, and now she was left falling down. 

you cursed under your breath that was now caught in your throat, 

of course that had to happen at a moment when no one would notice you through the obscuring fog. you had tried to dig your blades into the trunk of the tree to halt your fall, but that ended with only a mere scar in the bark. just as you began bracing yourself for the fall that was inevitably coming, you heard wires swooping between trees and seconds later, a hard hit to your side. your eyes were clenched shut and you thought it was probably some large stick hitting you on your way down, but the ground never really came.

as you managed to regain your senses and idea of surroundings, you felt the strong wind and pressure on you. opening your eyes you saw someone had caught you - reiner. one of the strongest students, a boy you looked up to. you were both children, learning and training together yet enemies by the cruel hands of fate. thanking him profusely, he dropped the two of you off on a thick branch and inspected your gear.

that was the moment you would become inseparable - for the time being.

sure, you were only a weak soldier to-be then but the desperate craving to be needed deep inside the creases of his brain told him to check on you and so he did, taking you back to the armory and sharpening the dulled anchor. you stood quiet not moving a single inch on your body and watched him hold the hooks up to the grinder. you had probably been intimidated, but that wasn't anything new. 

fuck, he wishes he could go back and leave you on the branch. 

and so he offered to help you with the maneuvering gear after dinner. you nodded rather eagerly with the kindest, grateful look in your pupils he couldn't forget no matter how hard he tried. not that he wanted to. the first observation was that even though you didn't seem to talk much at first, your eyes showed everything. all the details of emotion was in the way your eyelids fluttered, eyebrows creased or eyes moved. after the rest of the cadet corps returned to the mess hall, you waved her goodbye to reiner with a bright smile and skipped over to sasha. 

and once again he found himself watching you from the other side of the room, the quiet girl he caught falling from a tree became bubbly and cheerful in the presence of the rightfully nicknamed potato girl. "oi reiner, what are you smiling at?" a teasing voice sounded from behind him. bertholdt. "huh? i'm just trying to see what food they're serving tonight." he put on the best monotone voice that could be possibly mustered at the moment and pointed over to the counter. "the same watery soup and stale bread. what else could you even expect..." he was right. there were many more cadets than warrior candidates, and so, food was much harder to supply. logically the quality would be a lot worse - that didn't make it any easier to get used to, though. 

bertholdt was right as always. the food was barely edible but it was something, at least they didn't have to starve. reiner dipped the bread slice into his plate, looking up to bertolt. "i offered to help that girl with her ODM gear tonight." he slowly nodded his head towards your table, "it would help us to gain some of their trust." and of course his gaze was back to the cold and calculating one of a warrior. "loosen up. we'll be here for several years more, you can't stay this serious -" he was cut off "no, i'm only being careful. the devil is hiding behind each one of their eyes."

the torn up sketch of your face strewn near his bed said otherwise.

after he brought his plate to the kitchen, reiner headed off to the training grounds. the night was noticeably beautiful. the clouds were rippled and thick with the moonshine pouring down onto the tall trees and grass slowly swaying in the warm-ish breeze. a silver glow on your face as you waved him over to the tree you rested against, a slight nervous smile gracing the lips. 

and in that moment, he forgot his role as a warrior. 

"reiner, hi!" he waved back at you and glanced down at your form, sitting down with your back to the tree trunk, clearly exhausted. "have you been training by yourself?" the first set of your blades had been unsheathed and the gas tanks were a bit lighter on the hips. "yeah. it's just..." you exhaled "difficult. keeping my balance, i mean." 

of course it was, you didn't have half the experience he did.

"i can't focus enough to aim myself..." he noted you were out of breath. "i can try and help. just wait for me on that tree" he pointed towards a tall one at the edge of the training grounds as he began buckling on the harness and clipping the gas tanks to it with a smile on his face that reassured you, he didn't find teaching you bothersome. 

it was difficult, but you proved yourself to be a fast learner. a lot of practice was needed before you could swing through the air with a bit more stability, but when your hooks lodged into two boughs and you propelled forward at a really admirable speed, he couldn't help but feel proud. whether it was because of his teaching skills or the way your chest puffed when you ran up to him after landing, he couldn't tell. "did you see that? i did a pirouette mid-air! and it wasn't even on purpose!" the wide smile and bright eyes that night were really the highlights of the training. 

it hurt that he remembered so much. he never wanted to erase the memories but by the walls, he'd rather they never existed in the first place. 

and so the only constant in the tough days full of fighting became the late afternoons you sat on the training grounds together after practicing, out of the other cadet's way, talking quietly. as each day passed you opened up more and more, but the closer you grew - so did the impending day he'd have to betray you, your friends, everyone. why did he just think of his mission as betrayal? doesn't matter. he has to stay focused. while your trust was always a good asset to have, he wasn't cruel enough to let you get too attached. 

yet there you were. it was clear as day in his head. legs dangling off the branch. the one that was the only safe place besides the barracks. it was autumn, the forest turned into bronze and rust. air was cold and crisp, making each inhale a wake up call. he didn't want to wake up. instead of the short leather jacket the soldiers wore, you had a knit, woolen poncho that almost engulfed you whole draped around yourself. you sat arm to arm, quietly watching the sun fall behind the horizon. of course, your minds chalked it up to being tired from exercise and simply resting. 

that was, until you leaned your head against his shoulder but the quiet never broke. he was tense. "reiner?" voice quiet and softer than usual. he looked over to you with questioning eyes and a slight 'hm?'. "what was your reason for joining the cadet corps?" he stopped for a moment, carefully picking out his words. it probably wouldn't be true to call it lying on the spot, his entire life story had been fabricated for this by now. still, bringing himself to lie to you had not been easy. maybe he should've watched over himself getting attached, not you. "too many innocent people died to those monsters. i can't watch it keep happening." he didn't even stop to watch your face - reiner knew his words are believable. it was every other cadet's answer anyways. 

as unsuspiciously as he could, reiner revelled in the way your hair smelled of caramel and he remembered it was because you always ran off to a certain bakery every break. the thick woollen cloak felt so soft in his hands as he subconsciously clutched it, he wondered where you got it from. you sat still for a couple more minutes and he only heard the occasional rustling of leaves and every beat of his heart reverberating in his chest louder than usual. this lasted until a soldier called the remaining people on the training grounds back to the barracks as it was nearing curfew. 

"what about you? why did you become a cadet?" reiner turned to you as the two of you walked. "there's more reasons, really…" you quickened your pace to catch right up to him. "i want to see the outside world. go places no one's ever been to, you know? if there really is an ocean, and more, i want to be the first one to see it." he remembers the way you smiled up at him - hopeful, but only if you knew. "to protect others, too. the garrison regiment is doing more than enough, but it's the scouts that can stop all this" he idly nodded, "that's why i'm joining the survey corps." he knew that was your goal since the first day - the survey corps part, at least. still, he knew you were capable but the possibility of what if you got hurt will always stick with any scout. you're going to be scouts together, so might as well watch out for each other until that day. 

years later it was obvious he'd cling to you. you were one of the only people in the entire sixteen years of his life who ever showed him affection. undoubtedly his brain would be at a constant war of i'm a warrior and she's the devil and they're the same as us, why do we have to hurt them?  
maybe, the feelings he slowly grew in his chest for you could equal to the time he spent in a classroom, back in marley, being told the eldians of paradis deserve a fate worse than death.

"hi!" if he didn't know better, reiner would've jumped out of his skin as you somehow appeared right next to him, "i was wondering if you wanted to visit the bakery i always go to..? it's my grandma's-" then, he found the request strangely personal. he's still there to take back the founding titan, and reiner wasn't just about to slack off on more training to be with you. "no, sorry. i agreed to help krista with hand-to-hand later today." reiner bit the inside of his cheek - it still felt bad, he wanted to go with you. even worse, right after he said that the spark in your eye slowly faded but your smile didn't. "that's alright," you started, tilting your head to look over at krista, "i hope it goes well." you turned to walk away as he muttered a quiet 'thanks' your way, but you were already too far to hear. 

to reiner, krista had been a coping mechanism of sorts. she was always so kind to everyone, not to mention one of your close friends - and let's be honest, it wasn't a secret you and reiner had been spending a lot of time together. with these two factors, it wasn't an impossible scenario the two of them would spend some time together as well. she was gorgeous, kind, and always willing to help. no wonder every other boy from the cadets had a crush on her but she only had eyes for ymir - that was clear to reiner. he wasn't trying to replace you, but it was a welcome distraction to see that others could act with good intentions towards him. it was perfect, really. he had a good opportunity to distance himself from you, and the idea of yet another boy liking her was not out of the realm of possibility.

yet, no matter how much he appreciated her kindness, it would never equate to the way he felt when with you. her eyes didn't hold the same glow yours did towards him, the way wind blew between strands of her hair wasn't quite the same. your words held meaning for him, but krista spoke the same way to him as everyone else. she was not you and never would be. he simply had zero bond with her - the way it should be, but you ran right through the barrier he had set up and now you were irreplaceable. there was no need to replace you, just remove you.

now days later after you invited him to that bakery, while being ordered to clean around the quarters by captain levi, he regretted obeying the orders. not that a beating by humanity's strongest soldier would have been preferable, but the death glare you shot him as he brought the damp cloth to your and a few other cadets' window was nowhere near pleasant. immediately getting up and shutting the curtains dramatically, he heard some girl's faint voice ask something along the lines of 'why did you close' and 'sunlight' - it wasn't too hard to derive what she had said. your reply was barely audible but your tone had been clearly frustrated.

if he had only left it at that.

a couple of months passed with the two of you barely exchanging a few words. all his time was spent with bertolt, annie and krista. he was distressed at the lack of your presence near him. it was needed, but it hurt. you knew each other's goals, passions, and all the little unimportant things in between so letting go just like that felt way worse than any amount of nameless comrades lost. it was easy to see the losses as simple numbers, he never knew them either way and he had learnt that grief never did him any good. 

you on the other hand fared much better. the absence of his skills and training was replaced by your friends who had been just as willing to teach you. most of the time he saw you, you've been talking with sasha, connie and jean. from the start it was rather clear the four of you would get along but never had the opportunity to start talking much. when you appeared at their table and the conversation kept flowing, reiner was aware you would probably forget him soon.

oh how wrong he was.

the three years of training were slowly coming to an end. in a couple of weeks, everyone would part ways and join their respective divisions. that's when everyone was spending their possibly last days with each other, free from training up until the last day.

a lot of things have happened. reiner found the attack titan. marco died at his hands. those were the things he did not want to remember. even as some of it could be considered achievements, it was really just a reminder to the warriors of who they really were. many innocent lives were lost during the training, but thank the stars you haven't been one of them. in fact, he expected you to wind up in the top twenty, if not the elite ten that could join the military force. in class, your knowledge about titans was quite average, but with the logical skills only a few of the trainees possessed, you aced every test without batting an eye. hand-to-hand combat was different. the same way with ODM gear, you struggled to hold your balance after a well placed kick. 

as he watched your maneuvering skills improve over the years, he came to the conclusion that everyone's personality was reflected in the way they moved with the gear. connie glided between buildings with so much speed, the same way he spoke and rushed to get everything done. krista spun and floated with utmost grace - the same trait hidden somewhere in her kind soul. captain levi was quick and efficient, just as he spoke and acted.

then of course, you. awkward and stiff at first but when you got in your element, the sky was quaking before you. you swam and danced in the air, so careless and free. reiner couldn't help but admire the way you turned heavens upside down with every shot of an anchor. the same thing applied to him. some days, he'd be clutching the handles so tight all blood drained from his knuckles. other days, a piece of you showed in the way he mapped the air. anchoring down a little less, enjoying the free falls. 

like you.

it was the day before everyone would be assigned to their legion. rather early in the morning, neither of you could bear to stay in bed any longer. like clockwork, the two of you appeared just below your branch. unlodging your hooks, you stepped a slight, wary step towards reiner. “hey.” was that really all he could say? he sounded so cold. you just nodded back at him, scaling the tree up to the bough so many memories with him were made.  
he assessed himself for a while, but against his better judgement followed suit. your head against the trunk, the rest of your body splayed on the wood. 

he stood next to you and you didn't bother a single bit to look at him, just staring off into the sunrise. it reminded him of the day you asked about his next goal, what he wanted to do after training. the lie he said those many months ago was slowly becoming true. was waging war against the eldians of this island really the way to peace? listening to your dreams about the outside world made him want to grab you to the furthest corner of marley, and tell you about it all. the deserts of the mideast, the giant icebergs of the northern seas, forests, plains, jungles, lands where all you could see was snow. reiner wanted you to see every single inch of the world, but knowing you, you would never be satisfied.

you would reach for the stars next.

maybe that's why outwardly, you never expressed grief about the way your friendship ended. he experienced so much battle and all he wanted to do was return home, and settle once and for all. you were the opposite - caged, wings slowly breaking through the bars. if only you had known that the walls weren't the cage.

“mind me?” he nudged your side with the tip of his boot, and you wordlessly shuffled a bit further from the trunk where he sat down. “did i do something wrong? why aren't we friends anymore?” you turned towards him for the first time in so long. “not going to your grandma's bakery isn't considered ending a friendship.” you rolled your eyes, “don't lie to my face. you've been avoiding me like the plague.”. well, that much had been true. you could never know the reason as to why, but since he refused to go with you, a word hasn't been exchanged between the two of you. every time you offered to study with him or each time you brought him your grandma's pastries, you were shut off.

since then, you didn't really make an effort to talk. if he wanted to, he would. that never happened and you told yourself to let him be and not to bother. reiner didn't regret it. it was painful but the idea of how he'd be doing if you grew closer and closer was surely worse.

“i,” should he tell the truth? “don't know, honestly.” no, he absolutely shouldn't. you looked at him, eyebrows furrowed looking more annoyed and confused than mad. you knew he had a reason, but it wasn't worth it trying to push him to say it. “have you made up your mind about the scout regiment?” was the only thing you said after seconds of silence. “yeah. i assume it's still the two of us?” you nodded. of course you did. you were the type to hold onto a dream no matter what - it didn't come as a surprise that even after the losses you saw, you kept your word.

“did you not miss this place once?” you asked him, watching the sun peak over the hills in the distance. the sky was now turning from hues of green and dark blue to oranges and pinks. you would regret being up so early later. “i missed you” to reiner, that was a confession but to you, cliche words that sounded a lot more sarcastic than he meant them to. you scoffed smiling, and now he was the one with a confused look on his face. “what?” he asked. that wasn't meant to be funny. “nothing, you just sounded straight out of those awful love stories in the library.” it was his turn to smile. the atmosphere lightened up considerably.

“so uh, how's everything with krista?” were you really that dense? before he could answer you interrupted yet again, raising your finger to his lips, “- don't even try to deny it. you like her.” he shook his head no. “i don't like her. have you seen the way she's with ymir?” you quickly retorted, “i never said that she liked you.” wiping away some dirt from your pants you continued “don't be so defensive. it just makes it even more obvious.” those amazing critical thinking skills of yours were thrown out of the window, huh? “whatever i say, you're not going to believe anything. just listen please." reiner's voice had a serious tone to it, but a teasing smile still on his face. you only nodded, mouth slightly agape as you waited for whatever he had to say. 

"you'll probably beat me up for this, but…" you nodded again, urging him on, "i'd really like to visit your bakery." huh? "as in now. today.". the day you stopped talking might've still stinged a little. if it happened in any other setting, the aristocrat schools for example - not talking to someone as much wasn't really a big deal. for the cadets though, it was different. many die during training, and the idea that a time you speak to your friend might be the last changed the situation drastically. basically, the annoyed expression on your face was well justified. 

you gulped, "sure but - my grandma can be a lot. you'll love her though! I-" before you could finish what you were about to say, reiner interrupted you. "i'll be outside your dorm at breakfast." not being able to get a word in, he smiled and was already jumping off the tree and swinging towards the barracks. 

"wait for me!"


	2. childish love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> reiner brainrot go brrrr

that sentence was so innocent back then. 

you chased right after him for a moment, up until he bolted towards the crowns and not even the rustling leaves could tell you where he was. that's when the perfect idea struck your mind, and you reeled your anchors back in, heading right towards the ground. of course your plan worked. reiner dived headfirst from the tree after you, but you managed to anchor yourself again and slingshot further ahead of him. 

motivated, he built up momentum and charged towards the cable of your gear. just as you began reeling it back, he snagged the end and sped up towards you, as you were hanging off a tree by one side of your hip. just as the wire you hung on fully stretched, he grabbed you by the waist. quickly you unlodged the other hook as it would've pulled you back.   
"neither of us will be first now," you pouted, swung over his shoulder "you were just jealous I was faster." he scoffed, muttering a quiet 'yeah' as you continued on your way. he dropped you off in front of your section in the barracks and you waved at him as nonchalantly as possible. as soon as he was out of sight, you charged into your room, frantic. 

"maple!" you shouted at your roommate. the two of you became rather good friends since that day you ranted about reiner, while the poor boy was just trying to clean windows and not get scolded by levi. she was really patient, complaining about some boy as well. yeah yeah, unrequited crush. did she really think you liked him? 

you noted her name was really fitting. long, curly locks of auburn hair covered her face as she laid on her back on the bottom of the bunk bed, drawling a quiet and annoyed 'whaaat'. "i need you to help me choose a dress." at that, she shot up from the bed and went to open your closet. there was quite some dust settling on it. there hadn't been any opportunities to wear civil clothing like dresses - you were expected to be ready to fight back in case anything happened at all times, and a dress would be pretty inconvenient for that. "oooh" she grinned, "what's the occasion?" the smirk on her face grew by the second. "ah it's - i'm visiting my grandma." you flashed a smile back, eyes closed. "nonsense, you never dressed up before to be with your grandma." questioning, grinning, teasing. "maple please - i promise i'll tell you when i'm back." 

"deal."

to be honest, you really enjoyed yourself. it wasn't often the cadets got to have fun and when that opportunity arose, you jumped straight into it. it took a few minutes of maple throwing clothes onto the ground, and you hurriedly picking them up and folding them. she was just a tad messy about the whole thing, but you were so thankful she agreed to help you. maybe it was strange you agreed to go with him after such a long period of not talking, that was true. you told yourself that it's okay, it's the last day you have before becoming a full blown soldier. it was exciting, of course, but there was nothing wrong with making the best out of the last day you had before death could catch you at even larger ease. 

"look! this one would fit you so well!" before you could even turn around to maple, she chucked the dress straight at you. the thin, light beige dress flowed smoothly down from her grasp. once you tried it on after all those years, you were convinced the only way to get it off was to rip it off your dead body. it was so beautiful, there was no way you're going to take it off.

wide, gathered sleeves dropped down just above your elbows, the short but wide neckline complimented your shoulders so well. the waistline was tight and form fitting, even further accentuating the way the dress flared down at the bottom. dark green thyme and soft purple and yellow flowers were embroidered near the hem and at the ends of the sleeves. the hemline was somewhere under your knees and you were glad - every joint in your body was hurt from the rigorous training. elbows, knees, knuckles and the collarbone bruised a sickly purple, along with the few birthmarks and scars that dotted your skin. you felt, no, looked, beautiful. it was even further confirmed when you turned back around to maple and her eyes gleamed. when she told you over and over how lovely and adorable you looked, tears nearly welled up in your eyes. barely able to hold yourself back you nearly crushed her in the strongest hug you could muster before she laid her hands on your shoulders and pushed you to the door, a wide smirk on her face. “love you and good luck!” she called out and you waved at her, smile bright.

you skipped all the way to the stables. it was one of the better places to do your duties. calm and quiet except the occasional clicking of hooves on the cobblestone and straw being chewed. you knew many of the horses were just disposable means of transportation, but that hasn't stopped you from developing a bond with them. especially juniper. she was a mare rescued out of a breeding mill far out into wall maria. she was not meant to outrun titans, being one of the rare and quite sought after shires. her thick coat was nearly white except for the dotted patches of a warm brown strewn across her body - many would agree she was as beautiful as she was durable. you were lucky the commander and drill instructor had let you keep her - each cadet was assigned a horse bred to be fast, but juniper managed to win the hearts of your superiors and as long as she was capable, you had been allowed to have her. 

she was really helpful, too. often your grandma would come by the barracks to drop off pie for you and sasha (who had been convinced that your grandma should become the next queen), borrowing juniper and a cart to help her drag wheat for her flour. “june!” you whistled over at her, and she came right over to the gate, nickering. you grabbed the tack which hung on the wall nearby and as soon as you came over to her, she gently leaned her head against you. “hi, i missed you too,” you cooed at the horse, petting her “lets go visit grandma, alright?” you couldn't help yourself but babytalk the horse. once all the equipment was just right, after a few attempts you hoisted yourself up onto the really, really tall horse. beckoning her forward, you clutched the reins as june held a steady pace back towards the barracks. 

on the way there, you really let yourself slip off guard for a second. it was spring - many flowers had bloomed, and even more had yet to unravel. trees were covered in beautiful leaves and blossoms, and the ones which grew at a slightly slower pace had branches covered in buds, which leaves and flowers would burst out of soon. the only clouds on the lightly rosy sky were graceful, white giants that seemed to avoid the slowly rising sun. despite it being morning, and the full hot wrath of summer not approaching yet, it was uncharacteristically warm, and the thin fabric of the dress didn't leave you feeling cold. 

and when he saw you barge through the gate looking for him, reiner knew it was too late to let you go. 

you looked ethereal. the longer he looked at you, the more he convinced himself you were an angel fallen into this ugly, cruel world that pitted the two of you against each other. to him, there was simply no earthly explanation to how purely angelic you looked sitting on the gorgeous mare which towered over him. he noticed you staring at him questioning, as he just stood there. “so are you coming, or what?” at that he only nodded, walking briskly to the stables. juniper followed him with ease, her slow stride covering as much ground as reiner's fast walk. the brown horse he had been entrusted seemed just as happy to see him as june. “her bakery is on a field, just outside wall rose,” you pointed in the general direction you should be heading, “it's really popular, there should be a road leading up to it.” you were on the correct path leading right into the usually bustling bakery, until you pulled back on the reins just enough for the mare to feel it. as if the two of you could read each other's thoughts, juniper stopped immediately, turning towards reiner.

“actually,” you looked absentmindedly to the right, “i know a better way.” darting your eyes back at him, you flashed a sheepish grin and turned june over to the right, and she immediately knew where you were headed. it was your favourite way to go when you had time to spare. the path was slightly longer - treading between oaks and birches, the occasional wild berry bushes, and small streams flowing between rocks. at this time of the year, the freshly melted snow would increase the tiny streams by tenfold, beautiful petals peeking from between the tall, new grass, birds chirping the first of their songs.

reiner followed suit behind you, carefully letting his horse step over the boulders. he had to admit, this tiny forest's beauty was incomparable to any of the little gardens on the training grounds. nor in marley either, really. the country had been a lot more technologically advanced than paradis island, and a lot of nature had been cut off and replaced by factories and houses. it made sense - the rest of the world was quickly speeding forward while paradis seemed to be stuck and falling behind. that was the intention, yes, but that didn't erase the cultural shock of seemingly travelling a hundred years to the past. your voice pulled him out of his thoughts. birds singing, water splashing and leaves rustling replaced by the sound he began to adore so much. “do you think we're the only people left?” just by the softness in your voice, he knew this topic disturbed you. yet your curiousness would never be satisfied. 

if only he could give you a comforting answer.

even if he was to compromise the entire mission - what would he even say? that everyone is waging war? that if you as much as stepped into the outside world, the most likely fate would be death, just because you came from paradis? he hated that you managed to make him question every single thing he's been taught. he hated you for being so innocent and clueless, blind to the rage that consumed the rest of the world. despite all that, he felt no need to shield you. you were strong, capable and everything that a warrior should be. he only knew hiding you from the cruel world would hurt you even more in the long haul. you couldn't be contained, wanting to bask in the evil, revel in the beauty and twist your body against the way fate intended you to, and he was no one to take that away from you.

“if there were others, why wouldn't they rescue us?”

your brain stopped in its tracks. you never really thought of that. people couldn't be so evil, right? “hm. i guess you have a point.” your reply seemed unbothered, but you really weren't. in the few silent minutes you trudged through the woods,your mind spun wildly. you pushed it aside - you weren't here to dwell on your existence. at least not now.

the rest of the way you travelled in silence. it wasn't a long journey, but the added length you spent admiring the forest did slow you down. when you finally arrived, you yelled at reiner to follow you, juniper galloping past the last part of the little forest. you looked around at the outskirts of the forest, arriving upon a little clearing surrounded by farmland to all sides. wheat, corn, potatoes, and herbs of all sorts scattered across the horizon. on the small meadow was a rather large building - cobblestone and wooden walls overgrown with ivy, windows wide open and you could practically taste the aroma from inside. beneath each window were pots full of herbs and flowers, butterflies and bumblebees swarming across. 

two cats lounged on the little flowery prairie, their pupils widening as soon as they saw you. "felix! heidi!" jumping off of your horse, you called out to the two cats whose apparent laziness was long gone. reiner admired the way you played and pet the two cats, who purred and rubbed themselves against your legs. felix - a gray and black striped cat, he noted, came up over to him curiously sniffing his ankle, and then staring up at him as if he had just kicked him. "oh, he wants treats." you had sounded so serious about the matter it was adorable, but right after he was grabbed by the wrist and yanked forward by you. 

"grandma!" you shouted at the top of your lungs, smile evident in your voice. you dragged him up to the front of the bakery, a small patio filled with various plants stood in front of you. when the doors opened, in place of the frail old woman he was expecting to see, a short and chubby bubbly lady peered up at the two of you. you let go of his hand, where your palm had slid down to from his wrist - and it felt awfully empty. "oh my dear!," she pulled you down, tightly hugging you and pinching your cheeks "you don't know how glad I am you came to visit us!" she beamed, before turning towards reiner with that teasing look everyone with a grandparent knew. 

"... and you brought your boyfriend too?" the smile turned into something more akin to a grin, as she fully opened the doors to the bakery "that's perfect! i closed down for today so you can take all the food you want!" the lady giggled, grabbing you and reiner and pulling you inside. "now that it's two of you, none of it will go to waste." you smiled back at your grandma. "grandma, this is reiner. he's not -, he's not my boyfriend." she ignored the later part of your introduction. "and reiner, this is my grandma, agnes." the two smiled at each other before agnes pulled him down to kiss his cheek and you felt your heart melt. you weren't really sure why seeing reiner with your grandma made you so happy - maybe it was the adorableness, or how it felt so personal. 

"it's a pleasure to meet you madame-" before reiner could continue, agnes laughed and shook her finger at him "there's no need for that dear!" she beckoned you forward, "come, I finished baking this just an hour ago!" she sat you two down at a table, standing at the side watching you pick up your food and devour it with speed that would rival sasha while reiner tried his best to be as polite as possible. 

you thanked her for all the food, and got. up from your chair to clean the plate. the piping under the bakery was broken, forcing agnes to carry buckets of water and manually fill up the tank. hopefully someone would come by to fix it soon - for now, she had to manage. she tapped you on the shoulder and you turned around from the counter. "dear, mind going by the river to fill up the bucket?" she smiled at you and pointed over to a large wooden bucket, that miraculously survived so long carrying water without ever cracking. 

it would've made sense for reiner to go instead, he was stronger and could carry more - but you reassured him that it's alright, and he should just finish eating. soon after you stepped out of the door, steel handle in hand as you headed for the small stream close by, agnes turned over to reiner. "is she still set on the scouting regiment?" the worry she had been hiding was now apparent in her voice, and reiner knew she probably tasked you with the water to ask him. "i don't think anything will turn her away." reiner told her before trying his best to sound reassuring, "i'll be joining with her. you can trust me, i'll keep her safe." he smiled at her, and she did back hesitantly. 

"you know, i found her on the street crying during the attack on wall maria. i was in shiganshina district to buy fruit when it all went down." all previous worry dissipated from her voice, replaced by sadness. "the rubble from the wall killed her parents. i took her in. for years, she had nightmares about the armoured monster she claimed to see." reiner nodded, and it never clicked in his brain that she was referring to him. hearing her say this fueled him with rage and a promise to protect you from the titans, if they ever reappeared. 

reiner realised it was him who killed her family only years later. 

"she told me she'll take it down. she was only nine -" then, reiner's thoughts were along the lines of what cruel monster would take away a child's family, and how he admired agnes for taking you in. agnes choked up, sniffling. you came back, a heavy bucket filled with water that splashed over the edges in hand, but when you saw your grandmother crying, you gently set it down on the floor, rushing over to her. 

"grandma, what's wrong?" you calmly asked her. the moment was awkward of course, she never cried like this before. shooting reiner a worried glance, he just shrugged. "it's nothing dear, i was only telling him about the day i found you." that was weird. she never talked about this in front of others - and never once mentioned it to you. of course you knew, you were not an infant so there was no need to talk about the painful day. you simply wondered what made her bring it up. 

things calmed down after a while. it hurt seeing her embarrassed about showing emotions like a normal human being, but you assured her that neither you nor reiner minded. when she asked him about where he is from, his words were vague. a village up north, invaded by titans, joined the scouts, and so on. it made you think whether the reality of what happened in the northern village was much worse than he said, maybe he saw things worse than you could imagine even on the day of the attack. 

this wasn't the time to ponder over it. 

you let the topic slip away in an attempt to lighten up the mood. "grandma, we'll leave you be for a while," you smiled at her and turned to reiner, "i want to show you one spot." before the sentence was even fully out of your mouth, you raced out the door and waved a quick 'bye'. since agnes took you in, your entire childhood was spent on the farms and fields near the bakery. it was open since before you were born, leaving many forgotten places for you to explore and bring life to. 

one of those was a little natural alcove near the river that raged on through the farmlands, water mills decorating it's edges. many blanket forts, childish ink drawings and memories were made there. it was your only safe space, the little stone cave where you were certain no harm nor titan would get to you. each night when your dreams replayed the armoured titan kicking debris and rubble, crushing your parents, you snuck out - knowing agnes would get mad. she only wanted to keep you safe of course, but there was no place you felt safer. 

those nights you clutched your blanket, shaking under the cold moonlight, listening to the river stream. you liked to imagine that if the monster that killed your family ever returned, the tiny cove would keep you safe, conceal you from the giants that shook the ground past the walls. in your then nine year old brain, the rock walls would guard you, loom over any monster that would dare to lay a hand upon you. that's why no one knew of it. it belonged to you and you only. 

so for you to lead reiner towards it, dress twirling in the wind and wheat brushing past your legs, did feel a little out of place. the inner conflict was innocent. you were older, and didn't believe that anymore. yet the sentimental value the place held made you doubt yourself a little, but walked on nevertheless. just a small pace behind you was reiner, looking around the field, up to the wildflower prairie ahead of you. the sun right above your heads, golden glow on your hair. when you were close to the little hill and your spot, you grabbed his wrist and began sprinting towards it. you noted the roots of willows pierced through the dirt a little more, the river rushed a little quicker, old wooden furniture still in the cave. a small wooden table, fairy tales and cooking books along with burnt out candles laid on it. a few papers with sketches of a little girl - you, holding swords and fighting titans, drabbles of your grandma's pies and so on rested on the ground, some wrinkled up and others hardened and deformed by rain. 

the drawing that caught his eye the most was still on the table, shielded from any weather. that meant the faded stains on it were tears. and again, there you were, holding the same exaggerated sword, dead titan at your feet, your parents happily cheering on behind your back. 

so that's who he is.

"i drew this when agnes first took me in," you walked up behind him, before grabbing the old paper "that's supposed to be the one that killed my parents." he nodded, keeping his gaze low. you walked around, examining old dolls and toys that never returned back to the bakery. you walked over to the chair, a tiny weathered coat hung over it. picking it up, a rather large leather-coated journal falling out of one of the pockets that it never got to fit in. 

reiner noticed the way your eyes lit up with a certain melancholy nostalgia you smiled down at the book, dusting off the leaves that had blown in and opening the first few pages. only the first ten or so pages were filled, the rest empty. on the first page, a couple of long weathered down daisies and dandelions were pressed flat between the paper and cover, under them two sketched faces, the lead smudged by tears. 

"oh..." you ran your fingers down the paper, flowers tucked away into the pocket of your dress, "those are my parents." you pointed the page to reiner, who was too mesmerised by your distraught face. he idly nodded, their features being familiar.   
he knew why. "i drew this so when i'm older, i'd remember how they looked." your face twisted, and he knew the memories were anything but pleasant. "they looked nothing like that, though…" you scoffed at the last part, but the gesture held no joy. 

reiner couldn't stand that. he saw how your eyes glistened. how your lips slightly trembled, doing their hardest to keep the corners upturned. how your fingers traced the worn paper. his hand moved before he could really think, cupping your jaw. his thumb held onto your cheek, the tips of his fingers pushing into your nape. he tilted your head back up, lining your eyes up with his. 

he wanted to take all your pain onto his shoulders, live with it for eternity, if only it meant he could stay here on paradis with you, to never see despair looking up at him. but, he knew he couldn't. it was a dream and it would forever stay that way, he knew so much. it pained him that he will never get to see his ring on your hand, never grow old with you. the curse will kill him in several year's time, if the next inheritor doesn't get chosen before his term ends that is. 

all he wants is to stay with you. war be damned. marley, paradis, eldia - none of it matters. none. all that he cares about is you. he only wants to fulfill your dreams, free you from the ignorance that shackles everyone on the island. you could handle it. you were strong. you were you. the girl who owned the sky, whose blades slain monsters with trembling hands. the girl who picked flowers in the field and watched the stars - eyes glowing with twice the sun's shine. 

the girl he loved, the girl that loved him back. 

he was frozen staring into your eyes for long. way too long. so, you took matters into your own hands and cupped his face in your hands, dragging him level with you. each one of his senses was overwhelmed. 

his vision, as he watched you try and suppress any nervous hint on your face, forcing a confident glint into your eyes that he could see right through. a red flush on your face, ears tipped scarlet. 

his hearing, ears filled with the thundering thuds of his heart, the water gently splashing as it scurried down the river, birds chirping their morning songs and occasional rustling of wind-strewn grass. 

his smell, the aroma from the bakery lingering on you both, soft hints of the lavender filled window sills between the scent of honey and caramel that felt warmer than the golden sun rays hitting his skin. 

his touch, your fingertips gently grazing his face, thumb tracing his lips before you pressed your own onto them, a soft smile against his lips that made the butterflies in his stomach flutter. he put his hand onto yours that laid on his cheek, taking it off and interlacing your fingers. he placed your interlocked hands against his chest where you felt his heart hammer, yours returning the rhythm as it pounded against your ribcage. 

that was four years ago. 

reiner wondered whether you thought of him as much, too. he was an entire ocean away from you now and had no way of knowing whether you're alright. by this point, it could be possible you're no longer even on the same earth as him - what if something had happened to you? 

even worse, what if he's the cause? 

the entire day his true identity was revealed was a memory locked away from him, the pain being too strong to handle for his mind which decided to hide those memories away from him. he had to remember if he hurt you though, right? 

the only thing from that day that stuck with him were your eyes full of hurt, "reiner, wait for me!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can you tell that this entire chapter was inspired by my cottagecore pinterest board


	3. epiphany

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the trigger warning for injuries applies here (concussion)!!

but you remembered. 

on the other shore were you. laying in your room, thinking back on the day of the betrayal. it all felt so incoherent in your memories. none of your emotions were in tune. that day, the epiphany justified the shock and senseless emotions more than enough. but now you had years to ponder over it. so much time and yet you still couldn't make sense of your feelings. 

it hurt. at that time you barely knew anything, humanity still struggling to get it's answers about the world beyond the walls, titans, the past, and how the force of titan shifters came to be - it seemed as if the years since wall maria was breached leading up to eren's transformation pointed towards those answers, but the truth was only more questions were raised. 

you could still feel how relieved you were to finally be out of castle utgard, being on the top of the wall giving you a sense of safety. there, you felt so close to the sky - so safe, as if no harm could come to you so high up in the air. seeing multiple of the older soldiers die, being close enough to taste death yourself, and the flash of events that was ymir turning into a titan, the beast titan appearing - it would leave a scar on your subconscious, enough said. 

you could still feel the way your heart skipped a beat when the strong wind broke a flag pole as it tumbled and fell from atop, clattering on the way down. you instinctively looked to the source of the sound, only to see eren, reiner and bertholdt talking. 

he had avoided you that day - and even though you knew the reason why now, you still weren't sure of his motives. maybe he didn't want to hurt you? no, he probably couldn't care less. 

what happened is engraved in your memory only as a chaotic blur of details, little things that pointed towards the fact something wasn't right. you remember walking with sasha, both still a little shaken because of the previous events. 

she offered to take you to dinner in some expensive restaurant in the interior of wall sina, having some funds to spare and desperately needing to get your mind off of everything. 

the two of you were holding hands, chattering, but the way she paused when the flag's fall echoed was so sudden - she probably felt there was something off, as she always did. her intuition was really beyond your understanding, so the uncertainty in her eyes did worry you a bit. 

you turned over to the three, ready to come up with a teasing remark on the spot to tell them to hurry, until you saw the fear in eren's eyes. that wouldn't be unusual after such a thing happened of course, but why then? he was simply talking to reiner and bertholdt. 

"you're just tired, aren't you?" you watched with sasha as reiner's brows furrowed, bertholdt's eyes widened and eren's nose crinkled. eren turned towards you, confusion painted across his face, "hey, tell me he's just joking?" he nearly shouted, regarding you with suspicion in his eyes. 

you faced back towards them, uttering a soft 'hm?' - you didn't expect it to be anything important. you assumed they're just bickering, as they do, but seeing all three of theirs reactions really cast a doubt over you. slowly slipping your hand out of sasha's you walked towards them, not wanting eren to yell more and cause any commotion. 

that further angered eren, how were you being so calm? didn't you hear what was happening, or did you already know? when you stepped over to the three and exchanged a confused look with each, opening your mouth to ask what's happening, 

"are we doing it now? right here?!" 

a few rushed footsteps. 

"... settle this, right here, right now! 

all you saw was a sword piercing through reiner's forearm. 

armin cried out after you and eren, hange pulling you back, and only then had you noticed mikasa tackling bertholdt and holding the blade to his neck. you covered your ears as the sword pierced his throat and he choked on his blood. you had grown accustomed to the horrendous noises your comrades made as they died, but never at hand of one another. 

you trusted her judgement. she was smart, and wouldn't let her feelings take over in a situation like this, right? yes, she was protective over eren but nothing minor would've made her attack her friend. that's when it really clicked in your mind, something really serious must be happening - and even worse, you had no idea of what it could be, with hange's arms still holding you back as they repeatedly told you to calm down. 

you wanted to shout at them, move, do something - anything, but your body froze when you saw the yellow light crackle around them. 

when the bolt struck, the pressure sent your body back to the cobblestone wall. you stared at the flesh slowly forming, and regretted every single word you've ever spoken to reiner. sasha cried out to you, but your body's reaction was not on par with your brain. in a pathetic attempt to turn towards her, you felt acid rising up to your throat, and your eyelids felt heavy. every part of your body that hasn't gone limp ached from the bones out, and no matter how hard you tried - no attempt to move yourself worked. each coherent thought slowly drowned until there was none left, and any grasp you had over your brain slowly ceased. 

jean and sasha hauled you up, quickly trying to go for cover. your legs dragged against the stone, only feeling pins and needles before they had shut off as well. all colour faded from your previously anguished face - any hint of a natural glow or healthy undertone paled away, ashy lips and glazed over eyes staring off into the distance. the limbs you have no control over jerked and your body shivered, tremors capturing your entire system. brain fogged and hazed, you wished the pain and every single strange sensation underneath your skin will cease. 

your wish seemingly came true, and all that was left was a seizing husk. sasha and jean called out to you, utterly helpless as they made it their priority to get you to safety, a hospital, a field medic, anything. the rest of the journey for shelter was unknown to your unconscious self. it was only when you awoke on a soft bed with little to no recollection of the events that occurred a few days back, that you felt the sickening dizziness each turn of your head gave you. 

"hello?" you called out, voice shaky and slow as even muttering a word came with difficulty. you closed your eyes not to see the room that seemed to shift and twist under your gaze, a sad attempt to make the vertigo stop. when no response came, quivering legs dropped off the bed as you held onto the bed for support, but collapsed down anyways. at the sudden crash, a doctor rushed into your room, pulling you back onto the bed and checking if any of the bandages had unwrapped themselves. 

"stay still. you hit your head hard, so just lay down for me now, okay?" the woman's reassuring voice called you to open your eyes and by the walls - the lead military medic stood before you. was it really that bad? you wanted to question her, but the longer your eyes held themselves open with the last ounces of your strength, snow-like dots covered everything and faded the room into black, the doctor's voice called for you, but you couldn't open your mouth to respond.

just like that, everything went out again. 

a day later you woke up in the same bed, most of the bandages replaced and the rest removed. the doctors probably didn't cast your wounds only for a day - that made you ponder just how long you've been out before the first time you woke up. 

you spent several hours in the bed, watching the nurses tend to patients outside your hospital room through the window. you assumed no one noticed that you had woken up, and the window was shut - there was no way to call for the doctor as you had before. so you sat up on the bed, feeling as if needles were prickling your feet. the sensation was familiar, but you weren't sure where from. all you knew was you hurt your head from the doctor telling you, and nothing else. 

the way your head ached at every turn and slight movement felt worse than anything you had ever felt before, holding onto your neck to try and stabilise it somehow. closing your eyes you slowly laid your bare feet onto the cold floor, hands supporting yourself against the bed. a few shaky steps and way too much time, you finally stumbled to the door. holding onto the knuckle with your dear life as everything seemed to spin you looked around the corridor outside your assigned room, waving a nurse your way. 

you told her your name, demanding to know what has happened. grabbing a notepad from under her arm she began skimming the pages, looking for your name. "you got here a week ago, correct?" she flipped over to another page before turning it back. "i'm-" nausea. "i'm not sure," you tried your best to shake off the lightheaded feeling by tapping your foot against the ground. "i feel sick, can you please get the doctor to my room?" she nodded, grabbing your arm rather harshly and seating you back on the bed. it's okay, the nurses must be tired from so much work. 

"can you stay by yourself for a moment?" she was nearly halfway through the door before stopping and checking up on you. you tried to nod, which you found was a really bad idea after the vertigo returned. you curled up on the hard and uncomfortable mattress, pulling the thin sheet over your head to block out the sun that streamed through the window. 

a knock on the door. "so you're alive, hm?" the smile in the doctor's voice was evident and you pulled the sheet off, sitting back up. "hm, barely." you offered a half-smile back. "i'm sorry to bother ma'am, but do you know how i got here?" the doctor entered the room and closed the door. "you were injured by a titan." huh? "it was all over the newspapers, i'm surprised you haven't overheard any gossip about it." she handed you the week's edition of the paper that was tucked into a drawer on your bedside table. she probably left it there for you, and you hadn't even noticed. 

"the armoured and colossal titans struck again," she sighed, "apparently, the scouts know more than that. not the civilians." you nodded. so, the doctor couldn't tell you the details. she didn't know them. "not sure what happened but, you came in with one foot in the grave. thought you wouldn't remember anything, and once again, 's right." you listened along, her lighthearted nature making you feel just a bit better. "...had a nasty concussion. a few scratches, too." she pointed to the bandages draped over your arms. "then that titan boy from your division saved the day," she offered you another smile. hm, were people becoming more trusting of him? "you should go thank him when we let you out."

at that she brought you a cup of water and left. was that even safe? you still felt just as bad, but you weren't a doctor. she could probably tell there wasn't anything to worry about anymore. for the rest of the day, your energy was spent. the few steps to the door and back to the bed exhausted you, and sleep wasn't hard to find after that. the next day barely after sunrise, a loud knock on the door woke you up. apparently, to the person on the other side of it your tired and displeased groan was the synonym to 'come in', and suddenly your room was being barged into. 

you turned around, rubbing your eyes. "good morning! before all the fog and dots from your eyes disappeared and you could see who it is, a plate was shoved into your lap, and the bed dipped. "sasha?" you turned over to the girl smiling brightly at you. "long time no see," she jabbed your side and you nearly folded over at the sharp pain. "oh. sorry. the doctor told me you can eat now." she gestured to the plate, "i wonder when they'll let you out, even connie said the mess mall is boring without you." she handed you a spoon, and you looked at the barely edible looking potato mash on the plate. 

you thanked her before attempting to eat for the first time. "sasha, did you get hurt as well?" you recalled her calling out your name. not the circumstances. she cast her gaze down, the smile on her face fading. "no. i'm sorry, i was there with you, i could've -" you pulled her into a hug, and she stopped rambling. "i'm glad you're okay," she patted your head, "no one else is injured, right?" sasha shook her head no and you pulled away, ghost of a smile on your lips. 

"you don't know what happened yet, do you?" she inquired and you tilted your head - maybe only the commander knew the rest. "the doctor told me the armoured and colossal titans appeared again." she nodded. "she said only the scouts know the rest of what happened." it was a week since then, and although there had been a few garrison soldiers in the hospital along with you, everything seemed to have calmed down - meaning that probably no large damage was done. 

"we got back from castle utgard, you surely remember that, right?" you nodded. standing on the wall waiting for the rest of the squad was the last thing you remembered fully. "ugh," sasha groaned and clutched her head. "i don't know how to tell you this! the two of us were just making dinner plans," the shake of your head urged her on, "then reiner, i don't know what got into him." she spat out his name with such disgust. what happened? did they argue? 

"why did the commander make me tell you this?" it would be a lie to say that you weren't getting a bit frustrated - not with her. with the whole situation. you were so helpless in this. "he transformed." he what? "wait, transformed?" sasha took your hand in hers. "like eren. he -" a tear rolled down her cheek. even with her expression you were sure connie was on the other side of the door laughing. there was simply no way, was there? "you're from shiganshina, you saw the titans that broke down the wall with your own eyes, right?" you nodded again. you didn't want to interrupt her train of thought by agreeing out loud. 

"the colossal, that's," she sighed "that's bertholdt."

"what?" 

"and reiner… he's the armoured titan." 

at that, you lost the ounce of appetite you had for the mashed potatoes. 

"you're not being serious…?" 

you waited for her to cut you off and start laughing, for jean and connie to burst through the door and make rude remarks about the face you made, but nothing happened. "i'm sorry." she pulled you to her chest, a few cries escaping her lips. "the commander needs to talk to you," tears started flowing out of your eyes before you could really process it. "don't worry, i'll come with you." she took your hand and pulled you to your feet, steadying you. 

she helped you each step, your shoulders shaking with cries that your brain didn't get to restionalise just yet. you were in denial. you were there, you saw him do it. how did you even react? did he tell you anything? was he the one to injure you? or were you too far to notice what was happening? 

you opened the door to the commander's office. you put your trembling right hand over your heart in a salute. then, you weren't sure if your eyesight was failing you - there was simply no way the commander would accidentally salute with the wrong hand. erwin must've noticed you gawking at him with those puffy eyes as he shrugged the cape off of his right shoulder. to your horror you noticed his arm missing, and quickly apologised. 

what else had happened in that week? 

"i'm sure sasha had filled you in on what had happened." he gestured towards her to leave the room. she put her fist over her heart and exited the room. erwin motioned towards a chair for you to sit in, nudging it closer to you. "thank you." he sat opposite of you at his table. "sir, why did you request me?" you rested your head on your palm. as rude as it was, you couldn't hold your head upright. "is what she said true? reiner and bertholdt are… titans?" 

he nodded. "that's why you're here. i know you and reiner were close. that's why i need you to tell me everything you know. there will be no consequences for you as long as you stay truthful." so the commander thinks you're complicit? there's no way he believes that, you were injured as well. you spite them. 

the weight of the revelation was not fully set on you. your mind simply decided not to accept it just yet. maybe that's why the commander was suspicious of you. were you acting too nonchalant? that couldn't be the reason. he hadn't seen you up to this point after it had happened, so he must suspect you solely because you and reiner spent a lot of time together. 

"i'm sorry, but i don't remember anything except returning from the castle that day." you leaned back in your chair, wiping away your tears. "hange had told me that they had to pull you away from the two and eren. do you really have no recollection?" so you did confront him. probably. "no sir." you wanted to ask more, but there wasn't anything more to know. erwin stopped for a moment, carefully picking out his words. "did he… did reiner ever act suspicious?" 

he didn't. you weren't fully convinced yet - there must be some mistake. but there were witnesses. you were one of them. the reiner you knew can't be the same boy that murdered thousands. and bertholdt, shy and quiet, always stealing peeks at annie? there was simply no way. 

"no!," you grit your teeth, "where are they?" are they dead? "calm down. a week ago, they escaped with ymir and eren." you clenched your fists. "we retrieved eren. reiner, bertholdt and ymir never returned." so they fought twice, yet both of those times you laid unconscious in your bed? you didn't have a single chance to truly confront reiner, ask him what's true and what isn't? your stomach twisted at the thought. "... and you let them? didn't you have enough manpower to go after them?" you were aggregated.

commander erwin lifted up his hand to stop you, but at the yelling coming from his office, captain levi entered. "what's going on here?" you turned towards him, head spinning. you clenched your eyes and the tears that welled up let go, running down your cheekbones. "she doesn't remember, as expected." levi nodded. "they ran away?" the previous shouts drowned out your voice, now merely a whisper. "calm down brat, before you pass out again." he held the door open for you as you stumbled out of the chair towards him, the captain holding your arm just in case. 

after the two of you left the office, levi turned towards you. "as soon as we can, we're returning to shiganshina. i take it you're not in shape to come." you weren't. you were positive that if you even managed to ride horseback, the twisting of your head would surely knock you down. the only chance you'd get to retake your hometown, see all those places you missed everyday once again, visit the ruins of your old home. 

you never got the chance.

weeks later when you finally walked on your own, sturdy wooden crutches supporting you as you regained control over your legs, you swore to hunt reiner down, and demand every single answer left unknown. for weeks you struggled to sit up straight, to twist your head without feeling everything spin, holding bloodied handkerchiefs to your nose as warm blood spilled from it once again. 

coming to terms with the fact you might never set foot on the battlefield was hard. the fear was solidified when sometime after the incident, mikasa tried to help you use the maneuvering gear once again. years ago you placed the 6th best of the cadets yet here you were, unable to hold your body upright in the air, even with the girl's hands on your back. 

what you didn't know is how she cried when she returned to her room, regretting not watching over you more. sasha felt the same guilt - if only she held you a little tighter, maybe your head would've never hit the cold stone wall. you didn't hold anyone accountable except for yourself. 

accepting the reality of the events took even longer than for you to walk on your own. everything in you screamed that reiner should be the one to blame for your injuries, however you didn't give in. he has to be a victim, too. maybe it was only your wishful thinking but you knew that the boy you got so close to wasn't the same person who would've murdered thousands without batting an eye. 

you had never felt so awful about something as when the scouts took out to reclaim wall maria, all you did was rest in your dorm. the day everyone had waited for, the first day the civilians put faith into the regiment, the day humanity would win and take a large step towards the truth, you'd be in safety, doing nothing? 

you didn't want a repeat of what had happened with rod reiss and the military police. that day, you were barely able to walk, yet everything was so sudden you weren't even able to help with the strategies nor planning. that's why days before the expedition, you and erwin stood side by side at the war table, spitting out your best ideas. 

your superiors had noted your abilities and willingness to help even when your physical abilities were lacking. pointing you to stay by hange as they had become the next commander of the scouts. 

at least, you had time to mourn the loss of the previous commander in solitude.

so in the meantime, hange had requested you to assist them with research. you were more than happy - anything was a welcome distraction from your conflicting thoughts. though for now there was simply no way for you to be part of the action - they were hopeful that once your state improves, you would be placed back into battle. 

you were excited of course, but you would be lying if you said the experiments hadn't been interesting. hange entrusted you with many things - impressed with your knowledge and abilities, they requested for you a lot. it was rather strange of them to put so much faith into an injured teenager, but you proved yourself more than worthy of your spot on hange's research team. 

this caught the eye of the rest of your superiors, and after a long discussion and arguing, you were to arrive in marley several weeks before the rest of your squad, trusting you enough that in a bit over three years time you'd be in a foreign land, all by yourself - reading in between the lines of the country's politics, learning about their military and plans as much as you could.

everyday after this decision was made, you spent every waking hour rethinking everything, or exercising. it was scary. what if they saw right through your bullshit the day you appeared there? would you be executed on the spot or taken in as a prisoner? you'd rather not spend too much time dwelling on it now, you had to focus on getting your balance back. with each step you took your strength increased, and it wasn't long before you could ride horseback again. juniper had been by you the entire time - even if you couldn't pay as much attention to her, when jean took you to the stables and helped you up onto her, she was as gentle as ever. 

that's the first time in those long months you visited your grandma. up until then you exchanged letters every so often, and when she saw you at her doorstep once again, your face was stuffed with fruit and pies just a couple of minutes after. that day, you told her about the next step, the lands beyond this island and she was beyond furious. you comforted her with what was most likely lies, that everything will fall into place, there will be no more wars, titans will be gone and other innocent words just to comfort her. she didn't know the full truth about titans - no one did, really, but it was too much to worry her with. 

"i'll be back soon, i promise." you offered her a small smile which she didn't return, instead just held you tighter. before you knew it you were on your way back. 

the day you and the rest of the scouts set out to the sea was engraved in your memory. juniper seemed to be so light on her feet, and you really wondered if she could read your mind. each step was gentle so the vertigo and nausea wouldn't reach you again, sasha, connie and jean right by your side in case you were to fall off. you felt helpless like this, furious that this was caused by the person you trusted the most. you'll see him soon, and you'll find out each secret he kept from you. 

when you reached the large stone wall, the aggressive past loomed above you as you listened to eren's anger-filled words. going up the stairs, your eyes gleamed like the sun on the waves. connie noticed - your eyes hadn't held this sparkle since the incident. you couldn't help the smile that spread across your face. quickly pulling the reins back, you shouted at juniper with happiness and awe in your voice as she bolted down towards the shore. you nearly tipped with the speed but she nudged you back with her snout and you giggled, each past thought forgotten. 

"reiner, wait for me!" 

he didn't. he never did, and you made a resolution to be the same. you weren't going to wait for him, you're going to get each and every answer that you deserve. armin chased to you with the brightest grin you ever saw on his face. "we finally made it!" he laughed and tears welled up in his eyes as you shakily and carefully got off june, armin holding your hand and steadying you. your crutches were left back in your dorm, but the sight made you gather your strength and run towards the sea, sasha right by your side as she picked you up and threw you into the water. 

before levi could scold her for not being careful enough with you, your head emerged from under the water and you laughed, dragging her back down with you. the saltiness stung your eyes and nostrils and you cupped your hand and brought it to your mouth, filled with seawater. "oi, don't drink that! it's-" before jean could save you from his mistakes, you were already spitting out the water. despite all the chaos that ensued, it was one of the rare tranquil moments you got to experience. of course, until eren had to mention freedom, and enemies. 

you understood his point. all this was hidden from you for decades, the frustration had to somehow manifest itself. you stayed cool - the civilians of marley weren't responsible for the bleak future created for paradis and you had zero need to wage more war. 

you only needed the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aghh im not happy with the pacing. it feels rushed but i think the next one is a bit better:)


	4. take me home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!! i'll be updating quite slowly atm, i have tons of studying and doctor appointments and i really want to proofread everything properly :), so apologies for that.

three years later, with full control over your body and the greed for truth kicking you from the inside - you had infiltrated a marleyan survey ship dropping off more prisoners. not quite strong enough to fight, juniper bucked and knocked out a soldier cold. you picked up his shotgun and his uniform, dragging the body down into the sea. 

you just killed a human being. 

and then some. after the other soldiers were no longer a threat, you nodded to mikasa - who had accompanied you, before she parted ways with a long hug. "thank you." she whispered to you. you didn't know why and you didn't need to, returning her embrace before saluting with a confident smirk on your face, and she knew you'd be alright. she shouted 'good luck' at you before you led juniper on board, carefully turning over and examining the maps. liberio… mid-east… 

wherever those places were, you would visit them. that was another promise you made to yourself. and as you fortunately turned the ship onto the right course, you let your mind wander once more. if everything goes according to the plan, in a few months time, the survey corps would pick you up with hopes you have valuable intel. 

that led you to the next step. you would sail the ship into the city, claiming you were set to be turned into a titan before the soldiers were attacked, and plead innocent. you looked over the dead soldier's uniform, eyes on the name tag. martin etienne. there was no way for you to take the soldier's identity, and you didn't want to risk claiming to be a marleyan. because if they found out, you'd be done for. 

when you approached the mainland, you had no time to admire the lanterns lighting up the city so beautifully. it was like the royal capital of wall sina but tenfold, and you looked at the gorgeous buildings from afar. until you got closer, seeing the military patrols waiting for their comrades to return. when you docked the ship and stepped out of the cockpit, every single soldier around you pointed their weapons towards you, and you knelt raising your hands. 

"the soldiers were killed by the paradis eldians. they spared me - us!" you cried out to them as they called for some sort of superior to help them deal with this. "I request an attorney." you stated firmly and loudly, and one of them fired up into the air as a warning, before a tall, graying man stepped from behind him, pointing his rifle downwards. "she's a kid, let me listen to her." the man said before walking onto the ship and roughly shoving you forward. before you thought you're nearly safe, juniper hissed and exhaled through her nostrils, and the man grabbed you by your hair. "... and how did this horse get here then, huh?" oh fuck. "i stole her from one of the eldians on paradis, sir. she was the only way i could get back on board fast enough." 

he nodded and pulled you towards a cold, unwelcoming building - most likely a prison. he probably didn't believe your words, but you were thankful he left it to the advocate. you sat there for hours until an intimidating woman walked up to the bars. "i heard you were the one to request an attorney, " she scoffed, looking down at you pitifully "tell me, what crime were you sentenced for?" you really didn't think this through, did you? "it was for stealing bread, ma'am. i was hungry, so i took it. but i left all my money on the counter." she narrowed her eyes at you. "the seller chased after me. he said that non-marleyans aren't allowed in his store. he beat me, and i awoke on the ship." you noted a white armband on the woman's bicep, and she seemed empathic and pulled out a key from her pocket. that was sketchy at best. how did she believe you so quickly? "i know we're treated harshly here but this... fuck. ruling a kid to this fate is the cruelest thing i've heard of yet." 

you felt a bit guilty and thanked her over and over as she pulled you out, but stayed wary of her. "you'll have to return to one of the internment zones. get in the cart outside, you're headed for liberio." she patted your back and followed you into the cart, probably as security, or to defend you just in case. "i'm not sure there's much you can do now. you'll probably end up starving on the streets." her tone was somber and clear, but you knew she had no intention of helping you. 

the rest of the way was silent. there hadn't been a single dirt road like you were used to - everything was paved with cobblestone. the people's accents were different, too. the soldiers had weapons which were probably decades ahead of the ones on paradis. when you were finally let out, the woman held your arm as she led you to a strange building, which you found out to be a hospital. she sent you off with some doctor, telling you she'll wait in front of the gates for you. the doctor briefly assessed your condition and when he deemed you good to go, you were given the same white armband the woman had, and you couldn't really ask about it, it would make no sense. 

when you stepped outside, hair slightly frizzy from the salt water that splashed onto the boat, the attorney kept her promise. she leaned against the wall, her short dark brown hair tousled over her shoulders as she smoked a cigarette. when she saw you step back outside through the door, the sun was past the horizon. she smiled slightly at you, pushing herself off the wall and flicking the rest of the cigarette onto the ground, stepping on it. "hey, i can let you stay at my place and grab fresh clothes." you tilted your head. this didn't seem right, why was she being so kind. "thank you so much, I'd appreciate that but-" before you could voice your concern she already set off, nodding her head as if to tell you to follow her. 

the streets were quieter during the evening, but the amount of homeless children you saw was unsettling. it was becoming clear that liberio wasn't as great of a city as the flashy lights made it seem. all the markets were closed down for the night, only beggars sleeping on the benches and people in salons, bars and casinos occasionally coming out for fresh air. when you finally got to the woman's apartment, she locked the door and pushed you forward and you stumbled onto the ground. 

"cut the bullshit. who are you really?"

you knew something was off. in the privacy of her apartment, she let her facade fall off as she repeatedly questioned. "i know you came from paradis. i'm not stupid." you tried to deny it all, until she brought up the soldier you had killed. "madeline etienne. sound familiar?" your eyes widened. martin etienne, the soldier you killed? "i saw my brother's battered uniform. you're one of the island devils, aren't you? you killed my brother, is that right?" you were backed up against the corner now - you couldn't get out of this. you simply nodded. if she knew, why did she save you? 

"how did you even know in the first place?" she nearly laughed. "you're not a good liar. in fact, a pathetic one. i can see the truth in your eyes." you thought that's it, you're done for, she's turning you in, you're never seeing the light of day again - "i worked in court with the people sentenced to the island, too. you weren't amongst them," madeline inhaled before continuing, and you mentally slapped yourself for not thinking the process was a lot stricter than you pictured. "...but, I don't blame my brother's death on you." huh? the soldier's blood was smeared across your name. 

she lit yet another cigarette and leaned out of the window, "see this thing?" she tugged at her white armband "we're eldian, too. martin believed that this was wrong. that your people should know the truth." she exhaled and the smoke puffed out from her lips. "he never got to choose his job. and if he was still here, he'd want me to let you be." she walked towards you once again, and you could feel tears like seawater stinging your eyes. the guilt of the soldier's death weighing heavier on your shoulders. 

she threw an empty pleated bag against you, exhausted the cigarette and chucked it out of the window. "grab some food, clothes, whatever." for a moment you halted. she had saved your life even though you killed her brother, and now you'd be taking things from her too. you scrambled to your feet, head spinning as you held onto any furniture. you eyed a large, thick brown trench coat hung on the wall. madeline narrowed her eyes. "that one belonged to martin." you grabbed it off the hook and put it over the now dirtied and wrinkled dress you wore, sliding the white armband onto it. 

"i'll honour him." 

you opened the door and stepped into the street that had quieted down considerably. in the morning, you'd have to get back to juniper. you have no idea how long you had travelled, and she had been probably sold off to some farm as well. in the meantime, you settled at sitting down on a bench, hugging your knees to your chest to keep warm at last - but you knew sleep wouldn't come. 

on the other side of the city, reiner finally got up from his bed after what was most likely an entire day. it was close to midnight, but his mind wasn't letting up - so he'd take a walk to clear it. for the first time, he wasn't haunted by the thoughts of you. it was over three years since you last saw each other, but the image of your anguished eyes stuck in the corner of his mind every waking second. actually, during his sleep, too. instead, he thought of war. in a few weeks time he'd be dropping into fort slava. it would hopefully signify the end of the war that has been raging on for way too long. 

he knew the mid-eastern allied forces would raise the white flag with the four titans showing up. and if they didn't - they would be easily overthrown. he had no one to share his thoughts and worries with, the confines of his room were no longer comforting. 

then, his heart dropped. 

in the dead of the night, he could swear he was hallucinating, he saw a man - a farmer, judging by his clothes, leading a shire horse. they have been very sought after as draft and war horses, but he recognised her. the white coat, brown dotted blanket and star, pink snout and kind, gentle eyes. 

juniper? 

he swore he was going crazy. was he overreacting? it could've been a completely different horse. again, shires haven't been uncommon during wartime but the unusual colours led him to believe it was truly her. should he ask the farmer? buy her? have you died? were you in marley now? there wasn't a certain answer - while turning the prisoners into titans, they could've noticed juniper and took her. she wouldn't run away from you, so you had to be dead. maybe someone else was with her at the moment - was your grandma in marley? no, that's even dumber. he worked up his courage and stepped over to the farmer. 

the man looked a little startled, but even more so when he noticed the glaring red armband. "where did you get this horse?" he wasn't trying to scare the man, he really wasn't, but his voice hoarse and raspy from wailing in his room and barely drinking anything except liquor had that effect. "she was brought here on the prisoner ship, would you believe that? apparently a girl drove it back - with the horse on board!" if his heart dropped before, it was splattered against the pavement now. the farmer continued on but didn't really say anything worth listening to. reiner grabbed his purse, plucking out all the money he had and handed it to the farmer. "i'm taking her." he said and sternly grabbed the rein, as the man watched him bewildered. 

his suspicions, now knowledge, were fully confirmed when the horse - juniper, relaxed her eyes and ears, leaning her head against reiner, pulling away and putting her lips onto the top of his head. she clearly recognised him, and he would be smiling at the affectionate mare under any other circumstance. "you remember me, don't you?" june only blew into his face and he pulled away, leading her into the barracks custom stables, and he just knew everyone would be questioning how a horse appeared there during the night. that didn't matter now, he could make up any excuse. 

when juniper was safe in her stall, reiner rushed back into the room he spent his days inside. he didn't know where exactly in marley you've been sent off to - and silently, he hoped it was far. he couldn't bear the thought of seeing you again, it was impossible to imagine. if it ever came to that though, he hoped you wouldn't attempt speaking to him. he must've left you so confused, stranded without him, heart throbbing and begging for answers. he knew you wouldn't try to hurt him - that wasn't you. though, he couldn't guarantee what his sick brain that barely grasped onto reality would do. 

all he knew was that any possibility of things being the same was gone, deep in the core of the earth, and he was the one that buried it there. maybe you went chasing for it, but that would mean you forgave him. that was probably another possibility that was gone as soon as he revealed himself as the armoured titan. he killed your family for fuck's sake, and then ran off away from the island. he wanted to shout for you, to tell you all the missing points in your plot but he couldn't. the highest possibility was that he was not the reason you came to marley. he wasn't dumb enough to think the survey corps hadn't been there once since the day they learned of it. 

but you? why would you be here now? 

and he was right. months after you arrived in the hijacked boat, your position in marley was quickly coming to light. you got yourself together - you worked in the largest city library in liberio, being taken in by the owner out of kindness. the old man whom you learned to know as hans, was one of the small handful of marleyans who actively fought against the oppression. he gave you a room to stay, and brought your story to the public. of course he didn't know the real one, and the idea of your made up past revealed to the public as a point to make against the cruel sentences wasn't exactly something you liked, but it had to be. 

you stayed in a rather small apartment connected to the library. you learnt of all the newest technologies, most notably the camera, which to you was beyond baffling. you saw photographs (which were yet another mystery to you) of the places you only heard armin speak of. you wondered if he would be just as curious about them as you. knowing him, he would. you asked hans about them, and he revealed to you that the places were even more beautiful in person. "have you seen them?" you shoved the photographs into his hands and he chuckled. "i've been there, indeed." you inquired about every new thing you saw in the library, and he would gladly spend the evenings telling you all about it. 

yet your curiosity could never be satisfied. you couldn't ask about the camera - that wasn't a new thing here. you not knowing of it would be suspicious, so you only brought up photographs you assumed a marley-eldian living on the streets wouldn't get to see. "have you been everywhere in the world?" he was stunned at the pure innocence in your voice and nearly teared up that not every eldian had the opportunity to ask these questions. 

"i have seen many places. back when i was younger, we didn't have the camera," he explained to you "so i sailed the seas with my comrades, as a soldier, but i never got to take photographs." you nodded and gave him a picture of an 'iceberg' you found tucked in one of the encyclopedias about the world. "... did you see one of those? were they really gray?" he smiled at you and explained the colours didn't show up on camera, and that the icebergs were blue and white. you, awed, watched him talk about all the sights he saw and wished that one day, you'd walk and sail in his steps. 

and after yet another one of those evenings you shared with hans, you waved him off and headed back to the apartment he so kindly provided you with. it was merged with the library in a strange way, hidden stairs lead up to the attic which instead of an ugly storage - held a beautiful, sufficient space to live. it was the first time in your life you had your very own bath, and running water, and a window which showed all the stars in the sky. there was a creaky, old oak wardrobe empty save for martin's coat. you made it a point to take the few coins you made working in the library out and buy clothes. 

the next day when the sun hit your face, you took the pleated bag and set out to the market. it was bustling with people buying the last of everything - autumn was nearly coming to an end, and many supplies would be gone by winter, of course caused by the war. as you looked for clothes, warm candles and plants to make your squeaky attic a little less lonely. luckily you didn't leave empty-handed, quite the opposite. you could barely carry the pots of herbs and bags of clothes, candles and food even with the bags the sellers so kindly provided you with. 

it was strange how calm everything was. for nine years, you lived caged in walls. the rest of those years you fought, trained and recovered. you quickly realised this calm life wasn't for you. hopefully in several months the scouting regiment would come as planned, you'd take juniper and then hopefully leave with every answer you longed for, for four years. 

the next few weeks you spent learning about the camera, the telescope and many other wonders that let you see things you've never even imagined before. you sat on your bed, an apple pie in your oven, thyme and rosemary scented candles lit up across the little wooden kitchen. herbs and plants of all sorts filled your table and windowsill, few even hanging from planters on your ceiling. one of those curious things hans called a telescope rested by your bed. you came to really love the device, and every night you took it out into the fields. you could pinpoint any star by now. 

the awfully dull calm was broken by hans coming into your room. he knocked a few times on the trapdoor and entered, handing you a letter. "the postman said this one's for you. wonder who it's from?" he smiled and quietly walked away after you thanked him, not wanting to peer into what could've been something personal. and when you opened the letter, you knew this calm life wouldn't continue on for very long. 

jean was in marley.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this probably makes zero sense canon-wise BUT i tried...? if there's any way to make it make sense please let me know D:


	5. tranquil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't worry, things will pick up next chapter!! for now enjoy reader's and jean's bromance =^D

he saw your story in the newspaper, and immediately knew it was you. the day matched up, and you had discussed your plans about this with him. sure, you didn't exactly have one back then - but it was one of the most likely things you could say, and most believable. just to be careful in case his letter got to the wrong person, and the person from the newspaper wasn't really you, he was careful with his words, a lot of scout terminology and vague phrases. you understood the letter clearly - eren was already here, something about a festival, and that in several weeks, the rest of the scouts will arrive in an airship, and most importantly the place of your rendezvous.

jean hadn't been the only one to read this story. amongst the many outraged eldians was reiner. now it was confirmed that you were the one to arrive in the boat and even worse, you were in the liberio internment zone. it was a miracle you didn't cross paths yet. yes, the city was large, but months? he wondered if fate intended it. to him - that was the only way to explain the bouts of strange events in his life that were too good, or too bad to be mere coincidences.

nevertheless, tomorrow would be the assault on fort slava. he wondered if he'd survive. that was a dumb question, of course he would. pieck, zeke, and porco would be there with him and the countless skilled soldiers. he was more worried for gabi than for his own life. since he came back, she and the other warrior candidates were the only ones keeping him fighting. his past felt unbearable, and deep inside his soul he hoped those children would never experience such pain - no matter how much he wanted them to fulfill their dreams of being warriors. 

the rest of the afternoon was uneventful. you were out on the pumpkin field with herr - hans' horse, waiting for sunfall. of course with your trusty telescope tied to his back. jean was in a bar, getting shitfaced and trying not to wreck himself with nerves before the rest of your squad arrives. reiner was in his bed, sleep not coming to him once again. he contemplated going on a walk by the shore, maybe take his shotgun, too. he was sick of war - but he knew ending himself wouldn't end the pain in this world. so, he'd fight once more. 

just one more time. 

when you were done sketching the curious craters you saw on the surface of the moon, you closed the leather case and strapped your telescope onto herr's back. you missed juniper. she was alright, she always would be. the worst case scenario was that she had been sent off with the military to war, and something had happened. you only hoped that some rich horse enthusiast managed to snag her and she's safe on a field frolicking, waiting for the day you come back and ride her back to the safety of paradis.

you and herr strolled through the farmland, having the best opportunity to watch the lamps and lights of the city. you wondered if during the festival and celebrations, you'd get to see even more of them. maybe, people from all corners of the world would come and sell things from their homeplace. back in the library, you showed hans all your findings. he was really, really smart and had a lot of knowledge. just from some sketches and your chaotic descriptions, he named any and all stars, nebulae or planets you saw. 

in the early morning, hans woke you up to watch the warriors depart, as the citizens wished them luck and cheered them on, confident they would win the war. you declined. if you went along, you were certain you'd see reiner. even worse, he'd notice you. instead you spent your morning making tea and baked bread for hans, as he would go watch the warriors and later attend some strange meeting with the cities' other veterans about the upcoming battle. as you pulled the bread out of the oven, you wondered how hans and agnes would get along. the idea made you smile.

maybe when all this is over, you could introduce them to each other. 

in the late evening hans came back, the creases on his forehead a little tougher. from what you knew, back in his day he had a rather important position in the military. he was a sailor, and later on an important asset of some foreign alliances part of the army. so, no wonder his advice would be appreciated by the new generals. this time he came back with yet another letter. undoubtedly from jean. he was asking you to meet up in a bar? walter's alehouse. sounds like one. 

you should've hesitated. but you haven't seen your friend in so long, and really, you did need to unwind. maybe it wouldn't be so bad to enjoy one evening before everything goes down. after a bit of pondering you decided to go. and so, you ran down the flight of stairs down to the library to tell hans you're going to meet up with an old friend, that he shouldn't worry about you. he smiled at you with a soft 'of course', the attack on fort slava most likely still troubling him. at that you went back up into the now your attic, picking out the prettiest skirt you had in your closet for the evening. 

when the sun was coming down you headed out, boots clicking against the pavement. you couldn't keep the smile off of your face. it was several months by now that you didn't see jean, nor any of the scouts. you missed them. so much. but soon you'll all return home, to have a bit of peace. even if just for a few days before another war comes inevitably. even from far away you could hear the live music and loud chatter from inside the bar. it did seem like it would be annoying but, when you stepped inside, it only seemed to add on to the atmosphere. 

your eyes wandered around. most were only talking and drinking at their respective tables, but the bar was much bigger than that. people gambling at a couple of large tables in the back, cigarettes in hand. a few already-too-drunk patrons sitting at stools near the counter, nearly falling off. and on the stage, a few musicians handling instruments and a woman singing… how was she so loud? you noticed an odd metal device in front of her. huh. you'd have to ask hans about that the next time. 

soon your eyes landed on a man in a suit, jacket on the chair and shirt unbuttoned. jean? he didn't change much of course. it wasn't that long since you left. only his hair went down a little more, the stubble on his chin a bit thicker. your eyes lit up, and before he could even notice you enter you had thrown yourself at him, a giant grin on your face. "jean!" you jumped right at him, his arms outstretched and the same wide smile on his face. "i missed you so much," you wrapped your arms around him, doing your best not to throw the chair off balance, "how have you been? how is everyone?" he hugged you back even tighter, patting your back. 

"they should be here in exactly eight days. the night of the festival. we all miss you too, you know?" you untangled yourself from him, sitting on the chair closest as he patted the counter, calling the barman to you. "we'll have two of whatever best liquor you have here." he grinned at the man and handed him a few bills. you haven't really gotten used to the paper money quite yet. "don't worry, 's on me." you thanked him before turning back to meet his gaze. 

you weren't sure whether to bring up eren and the whole plan. if people heard you that wouldn't end well at all, but would they? everyone was shitfaced either way. besides, did jean even come here to discuss war? most likely not. "what do you think of marley?" you asked, and for a bit he pondered, scratching his chin. "i'm… not sure. i didn't know half the things they have here were even possible. i mean, did you hear of the radio?" to be fair, you didn't really get it either. the modernisation of paradis happened a while ago, yet the mainland's technology was still quite ahead. how could you hear someone's voice through the air, no matter how far they were? oh, maybe that's how the steel cylinder the singer is holding works. "hm, i have. those flying ships of theirs are the worst though - !" 

before you had your chance to rant about how airships work (thanks to hans' patient explaining), the barman came back with two large mugs full of some fizzy beverage. you smiled at jean, a confident spark in your eyes. grabbing the cup you attempted to drink it as fast as possible, and like always, jean took it as a competition. it was bitter, and sour, and sweet and way too cold - but it was unique, at least. the drinks back in paradis didn't have the same ingredients and tasted a little different. you nearly choked on the strong drink, covering your mouth with the back of your hand - trying your hardest not to spit it out while jean laughed, taking a sip of his own. 

that was maybe not the best idea. a couple of minutes and a couple of drinks later, your hazy drunk mind got a really bad idea. getting off of your chair, your legs stuttered and you nearly fell down, giggling at the way you nearly tripped. the musicians played a loud and energetic song and soon, the rest of the pub joined them and began cheering. that's when you shakily climbed onto a large table, the barman sighing annoyed as he'd have to take extra time cleaning it off. you called for jean, beckoning him to the table and he kept refusing until the rest of the patrons joined in calling him. 

two men from the table you stood on got up and left, clearly angry. everyone else seemed to be having fun. jean finally got up and towards the table. you held your hands down to him and hoisted him up, soon becoming the center of attention. "do you know how to dance?" you shouted at him through the loud music. "no, do you?" nervous smile plastered on his face as you laughed, snorting through your nose, "no!", at that he laughed as well, linking your elbows together and spinning around, you swirling under his arm and jean tripping you, because for some reason to the alcohol-clouded mind that was the most hilarious thing ever. 

really in that moment, everything was  
forgotten. you didn't enjoy yourself that much in so long, everything drowned out in the laughs and beautiful music. you wished it could stay like this forever, instead of planning assault strategies and preparing for really, the end of the world as you know it, you would only dance and cheer. but that was too simple to ever happen. did you even know what you wanted anymore? you knew you should live everyday as if it was the last - because that was very much the largest possibility. but does that mean preparations and sadness or badly dancing and singing, awaiting your death?

the song change pulled you out of your mind. the man with a large metal tube - a saxophone, was it? took the front along with the singer - a lovely slow tune. jean looked at you with confusion and glanced down at you, the rest of the bar slowing down their pace and swaying lightly along to the song. before jean could say anything you shook your finger no, slipping under his arms and towards the stage. he snickered and sat down on the table, taking a sip from whatever drink was the closest. a man sat down next to him, his eyes hinting towards you as he patted jean's back. the singer outstretched her hand towards you and you took it, pulling yourself up onto the stage with her. 

jean watched starry-eyed with the rest of the crowd as your skirt twirled under the lights, the singer's afro bouncing slightly as she swayed the two of you around, one of her hands holding your waist and the other the metal device. you only prayed she wouldn't hand it to you. when the song ended you swiveled down from the stage and clapped at the singer as she sent the crowd a wink. as soon as jean caught sight of you amongst the now fully crowded bar, he slung an arm over your shoulder, tipsy and barely standing on his own. you weren't much better off either, but at least you weren't nearly falling at every step. just every other. 

"i think we should head back." he nodded, maneuvering towards the door and out of the saloon. "my place?" his head almost falling down, barely able to keep himself up. he gave you the name of the street and after a long time wandering the city and misreading signs, you took his keys and entered the hotel, quietly greeting the receptionist and going towards a room which had the same number as the key. you let jean go as soon as you were inside, dropping him at the large bed. you took off your shoes and it wasn't long before you were out cold on the other side of the bed. 

you woke up with a particularly mean sunbeam hitting right through your eyelids. you noticed you were nearly off the bed, jean laying down on his stomach straight as a plank and your feet on his back, arms dangling from the edge. you yawned and turned away from the sun, the rustling probably waking him up. "is it morning yet?" he groaned into the pillow. "i think so." you didn't really bother to open your eyes just yet. you didn't even get to drift off again as your feet were meanly thrown off of him and onto the mattress. "hey-" and again, before you could protest a pillow hit your head with just as much force a feather filled pillow could possibly have "-what was that for?" you frowned at him and spread out across the entire bed as he got up towards the kitchen. 

jean shrugged. "felt like it." you slowly sat up on the bed, clutching your head between your palms. could've expected that. he strolled back inside the room, cup full of water in hand. so even hotels had running water? or was this hotel just expensive? he handed the cup to you and you took a sip. he started explaining their plan, and what's most likely to happen next. "...so, just before the speech starts i want you to get up on the roof of the national bank." you frowned and tilted your head at him, "and how am i going to get up there?" of course you had no odm gear, and the place must be guarded. "it's closed on the day of the main ceremony. there is a maintenance ladder just outside. i'm sure you can figure out the rest."

you weren't as sure. it was true your legs no longer gave up out of nowhere nor did your head spin each time you got up, but loud noises and bright lights still caused vertigo. that's probably going to stay forever. would it even be safe for you to fight like this? to hange, that didn't matter. they knew that you were just as strong behind the scenes as in the field. it did matter to you, though. you wanted to be fighting for what's right, even if that wasn't certain anymore. after years of doing so, it felt cowardly to hide in the camps and order everyone around. 

"don't worry about it. the rest of the scouts have the word to pick you up, they'll be hiding on the roof. just tell them your name and we'll get you to the airship." his reassurance wasn't working as well as intended, but you'll take it. you smiled at him before getting up and grabbing your coat, "i should be on my way now," you pulled on your shoes, "thank you for yesterday." he returned the smile and waved it off. "we'll all be home soon." you quickly pulled him into a hug before walking out of the door again, giving him a small wave. 

that's right. you'll be home soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> step aside reiner and y/n, hans x agnes is my new otp

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed:) if anyone requests, i'm totally down to switch up to gender neutral pronouns. just comment so!! i've got around 20k words written for it and a pretty good idea of where im going w this >:D
> 
> ALSO ALSO ALSO I MADE A PLAYLIST :  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3CtmFPfqWRjpaa7oQJr9JA?si=7xynlBi_TDaXaBO_7pkMkg&utm_source=copy-link


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